Darling Girl

Even more than I hated his apathy, I hated myself.

I was never as affected by this belief that girls should be thin until my boyfriend of almost two years left me for a different girl. He would brag to me about how amazing she was; that she was perfect and everything he had ever wanted in a girl and then some. The sex was amazing, she was so good-looking, she was the pinnacle of awesome and all that could ever be.

I remember the day I realized that my waistline maybe wasn’t by Vogue standards, and that I didn’t look anything like this new girl that my ex was to infatuated with. I wasn’t petit; I had wide hips and no ass. I was tall with a waistline that wasn’t up to modern bikini body standards.

Needless to say, I was a little more than devastated by the entire thing.

So I stopped eating. Four days would run by before I noticed that I hadn’t eaten at all. And when I tried to eat the flash image of what I looked like compared to that perfect girl would cross my mind, and I would vomit. I knew that what I was doing was unhealthy and it would not succeed in bringing my ex-boyfriend back, but the idea that I was lesser and unattractive had planted seed deep in my mind. I spent countless nights in front of the toilet, feeling myself getting dehydrated while fighting the disappointment that my lunch wasn’t coming out.

Even more than I hated my ex and his apathy, I hated myself. It has been almost a year since it happened, but this still carries with me every day. I still hesitate before taking a bite, before asking for seconds at dinnertime. I still remember him shrugging and the bored tone in his voice while he told me that I will just get over it; and that it’s okay, he would say, she’s just perfect. Some other guy will love you; I’m just not the one. And though I know better than to blame myself and I am disgusted by the thought of taking him back, all of what happened is still something that keeps me up at night.